Dude someone changed all the contacts in my phone to I Like Eggs
I just woke up and found a naked man on my floor. Looks like Dad had a wild night of strip poker
my dad just secretly slid me a nugg in front of my mom. remind me why I moved away for college??
what do 4 police cars, 1 ambulence, and 2 fire truycks have in common?.... My driveway
she woke up, said "please dont tell me your name, i dont want to remember it"
Just hide your weed in your baby brothers shirt. TSA wont check a baby, thats fucked up
How long does it take to cook a corndog over a candle?
Haha pretty bummed I didn't stay night yesterday after the bj fest you described
He's not so smart and obsessed with sex and lacks listening comprehension skills. I feel like i'm dating a sexually competent sesame street character.
I cant be sure, but i think ive been drunk in this church before.
Next time we smoke don't let me talk. I just said something and it sounded like I was speaking in hashtag.
Add caroling to the list of things we need to do in an elevator
pray to the hookup gods
What's an appropriate gift to bring to my boyfriend's wife's baby shower?
Shame?
hey can you come unlock the basement door? I'm trapped in here.
no I can't, you're a safety hazard. but, there's a beer keg down there somewhere. we don't have cups, but help yourself.
Randomize
