sorry about calling you the devil all night.
So, remember how that one doctor said it was 1 in a million that I'd get pregnant...
Yeeah thank god
Well..welcome to parenting Mr. one in a million.
I told the girl who was peeing in the garbage can she must have had a lot of upper body strength.
How does "I'm not drinking tonight" turn into body shots?
All I've consumed over the last couple days is Vanilla Coke, semen, and Coors. I don't think today will be any different.
Just had to hide the fact that I'm not wearing underwear from my 7 year old niece.
so "excuse the stench" wasn't the correct thing to say when your boyfriend's parents walk in on you shitting. Live and learn
I'm pretty sure male strippers are the last things I need in my life right now.
where will you be at 9:30 tonight?
piledriving you in your roommate's bed?
We got to his house, cuddled while watching game of thrones, then fucked during the repeat airing.
We have moved from phase 1: honeymoon, to phase 2: trapped in relationship until the cold embrace of death
My saturday night consisted of sewing my Halloween costume and watching Blues Clues
You actually...sewed your costume?
We told the cop that we were playing soccer, in flip flops, and 2:30 in the morning. It was raining and i had board shorts on. He bought it, lets go get drunk
I was dressed as Waldo and the cops kept saying looks like we fuckin found you
His hair is as curly as mine. It was like watching me go down on myself.
Randomize
