i just took a sip of diet coke and i said " as soon as it hits my lips i wanna smoke a cig." then i thought of your dick.
love makes seman taste better
she just made a shot glass out of magazine paper. I love her.
I heard porn and smelled bacon cooking. I knew you had to be home.
I just want to do a slip-and-slide into a giant pool of jello shots right now.
say it with me now .. the "golden" penis. his nickname does not disappoint.
I thought he wouldn't talk to me again. You know, what's that saying "why buy the cow when you can fuck it six hours after meeting"
I wish the sun would stop judging me for being drunk while it's still shining.
She was horrified when I asked if they had any strap on chin dildos, I was at a sex shop for gods sake must I be judged everywhere
I think I met somebody from your birthday this past weekend. He said I held a push up contest outside the bar and told them I would make out with the winner. He said he won..
Haha. Fifty shades ain't got shit on me. My tits look like they got in a fight.
Pizza and koolaid didn't even make me feel better. This hangover means business
I threw up a lot of peanut butter last night.
Yeah plus that night got so disgusting it's basically a repressed memory anyway
I need to stop being so honest when I'm drunk. I got proposed to by a stranger again last night. It's not my fault that I would be perfectly ok making sandwiches and giving blow jobs for the rest of my life.
Randomize
