My porch is a mess of peanut butter and tostitos...thanks for that.
My roommate just called. He's in Miami and has no idea how he got there. He also has a ticket to Buenos Aires that he can't explain. I figured you'd have the explanation.
I don't think I own any pants that haven't seen his bedroom floor anymore...
Jerry just sent me this: IOR GHIT ALL THE BUTTIB. Go get him. Now.
You do realize that we got a stripper to do the YMCA for us on the main stage... Right?
i mean, what better way to remind him of his failures in life than to fuck his roommate/fraternity brother?
Oh you don't have to buy a shower curtain, I stole the one from her bathroom. It has dolphins on it.
I found his retainer in my ass crack. It smells like shame.
I wanna die of smoke inhalation. In a huge teepee. Or one of those big things kids in kindergarten have that you throw up in the air then sit inside of.
She literally got down on all fours and I swear did a 360 degrees head rotation exorcist barf...and then moaned IT WAS THE TACO BEEEELLLLLL
so no, not her best night
I apparently made a "health and fitness" subcatagory called "drugs" on mint at some point. I used it to catagorize all of my nyc atm withdrawls for $60 haha
Do you have any need for a scary clown mask?
My flask has coffee in it for finals week.. So that's responsible right?
i love you and all, but can that be the last orgy with your wife?
He told me my car had really nice leather seats right before he jizzed all over them.
Randomize
