I drank so much Goldschläger last night, I could shit a necklace.
I don't know what you're doing, but there's a dragon on my street.
I found a big gulp cup full of vomit in my freezer, are you behind this?
be proud. or at least amused. an 18 yr old and a 25 yr old at least makes my average hookup age this week the same as my age.
Are we sharing a room, or can I pack my vibrator?
Yes to both. We'll use the workout rotation from dorm life.
You're like Jane Goodall in a forest of gay men. Someday your autobiography will be called "Bottoms in the Mist".
I'm drunk filing my taxes in a bar on a Monday afternoon in a Regular Show onesie. I think I'm starting to get the hang of this whole adult thing.
Tbh the only thing I was fully concerned about from the dream was what type of fucked up parallel universe doesn't have Coca-Cola
So I "accidentally" brought my road beers into church for this wedding
And they fell out of my pocket on the pew. Made quite a noise...safe to say I'm batting a thousand
roommate singing save a horse ride a cowboy wearing a cowboy hat a bikini and jeans while humping the couch.
I must be really high or they really did just bring me a banana split instead of a burger
I rewired his car so that every time he hits the gas the horn and the OnStar turn on every time he hits the brake the panic alarm goes off.
You can't just bring up bondage and then stop answering me
After this weekend my vagina will follow his penis anywhere. It’s like the pied piper, but with penis
Put on my pants to go to work and discovered they had melted.
Randomize
