new revelation: five guys for breakfast
new revelation: previous revelation not a good revelation
fuck. I just remembered I agreed to let you finger me last night for solely for "scientific purposes"
Honestly, I don't care if the only reason she gave me her beer was because she was bisexual and wanted to touch my vagina. Beer is beer.
The night took a downhill turn when he started using a butter knife as a spoon to drink his cosmo
Bonus points if someone shits their pants. Only 1/2 bonus points if it's you
Bonus points are bonus points regardless
remind to leave next time the words "tequila" and "challenge" are shouted
Omg having my Grindr go off at the planned parenthood is just not okay
Dear god. Please. Please do NOT deprive yourself of dick for 90 days. Blood will spill. Wolverines will howl. I can't handle that kind of terror.
He just showed up on my porch naked with just a blanket and a trash bag
I just sugar scrubbed my vagina. If I don't get laid tonight, me and the universe are gonna have some problems.
I officially have worse injuries from a baby shower than roller derby.
sitting in a shitty karaoke bar playing pokemon go and drinking a mimosa. how is your sunday night
i thought this was a perfectly normal conversation between two adult men about why this children's cartoon is quality television but no you just gotta be talking shit again
if you didn't cry because you couldn't find me and then pee your bed, your wingman status would totally be revoked for leaving me at that party.
Um. I just realized I still have a beer in my purse from last night. I'm at work. I am so classy.
Randomize
