Make note: the first date is too soon to make the "condoms are only for making balloon animals" joke.
how drunk was i? i pretended i was getting a blowjob from a fuckin dolphin in front of my dad. thats how drunk i was.
Just witnessed a fat girl fall off the treadmill, pop a medicine ball, and drink coke out of a water bottle all in one workout.
she asked me if i wanted her to take her wedding ring off while she was giving me a handjob.
dude it was like an art museum there were boobs everywhere
Vodka and Eggs at 9:30AM = thank you, America.
I need to stop fucking people before I get to know them
She looked at me and said there is a 90% chance I am going to puke in the next 10 minutes. 10 minutes later she is in jack in the box throwing up. She has amazing timing.
And the best part is that she's coming home to find that I completely shaved her dog.
Guess who won bingo at the senior center and is going to jail all in the same night?
I left myself a note saying 'buy a hamster but not an orange one like this pen'
omg so drunk
I'm wearing sunglasses around my house. Douchebag status. The hangover is real.
We moved the bed and she found my vibrator. The entire ride home was a montage of her singing "Are You Lonesome Tonight"
You said you're gonna end your night with a six pack and awful erotica
Well, for starters, you were growling and slurping beer from a puddle on the carpet. Let's all hope that was beer...
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