I can no longer count the number of girls I've banged on my fingers and toes. It's like being born again.
I got kicked out of an open bar wedding reception. The bride "felt threatened" by my presence. Not my fault she's ugly
I just got a huge discount at GameStop for having tits. I win.
Good morning! Just thought I'd give you my yearly reminder that we lost our virginities 7 years ago, yesterday.
That's the best creepy text ever.
I'm 50% weirded out and 50% into it
So heartbroken my rebound has a rebound
He looked at me and just said "moist". The entire party shut down from uncomfortableness. He is an anti-party wizard.
So I sent him a snap of me half naked holding a pie last night.
1. I'm excited for tonight 2. Do we dress up as pirates? 3. Happy Valentine's Day bae
Life without a bra equals bliss.
how do I say, without sounding slutty... That I can take a dick?
I got locked into my place today. You might be wondering if that was a typo... It's not.
Its because she suspects I'm a frequent drug user, which I am, but I am going to make her feel like she is crazy for believing it.
Just shaved my balls on a moving train. By far the most dangerous stunt I've ever pulled
He’s perfect! He listens to Genesis during sex and has a VW bus!
You really are from the panhandle, aren’t you?
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