we just got in the car and birthday sex is playing
that is a sign the 3 of us should have a threesome
we agree. completely
Here's a fun fact your kittens ate my vomit last night
i might even pee on it at walmart i am so nervous
Making and watching you take a mixed shot with vodka, chocolate syrup, tobasco sauce, cranberry juice, and sundried tomato juice wasnt the highlite of my night. Hearing you puking from downstairs was.
They showed a guy on tv in a Brady jersey and a sweatpants boner when the NE offense took the field. They didn't show his face. I hope that wasn't you.
You kept whispering "Party Dave" every time someone would start talking.
should I tell them that both of them had sex with me last Saturday? it might be a relationship builder type of thing you know?
Chipotle just hit me... I want to go sit in the corner of the shower and cry until morning.
You were so high that you only FaceTimed me so that you could stare into your own eyes and not actually say anything
You have a long distance relationship and I have a long distance snapchat sexting buddy. If that doesn't describe who we are as people then I don't know what does.
THE EAGLE HAS MY PANTIES. I REPEAT. THE FUCKING MASCOT HAS MY PANTIES.
HOLY SHIT. You're my hero.
You tried to order fondue take-out.
From Taco Bell.
i refuse to take responsibility for eating Chuck E Cheese pizza and having any other repercussions than the shits.
Just don't do anything stupid
i did a stupid sorry
she has no right to get mad at us for drinking during the wedding. she's the one that chose the bridesmaid dresses with pockets.
Randomize
