the condom got lost in my hair
I just spent an unhealthy amount of money overnighting a full adult sized Trix Rabbit Halloween costume
I'm paying a homeless guy $20 to follow me around bars tonight with a boombox playing the theme to Rocky.
We had to go visit his dealer in the hospital to buy some weed.
Johns diaper came in the mail. He's freaking out thinking there's some conspiracy going on since he sharted on the drive home from st. Louis
So did u puke in his bathroom or all over his Olympic medals? Please say medals...
only in a texas roadhouse would someone whistle while I was breastfeeding.
You are not allowed to borrow my car ever again. It smells like a hobo orgy happened in my backseat with a hint of onion. What did you do.
Can you explain the plethora of sunflower seeds in the dryer?
This isn't just a hangover. I can feel the blood moving through my veins, and it hurts.
I just cut open the plastic package of a Plan B pill using the bottle opener I carry in my purse. #whyidrink
My mom just walked in on me naked taking a shit and packing a bowl...the only comment she makes is, she wants her Tupperware back after my pot's out of it. Best mom ever.
well theres no bloody mary mix at the campus bookstore so i dont even know what its good for
Maybe they'll dismiss me from jury duty after they smell beer on me. You can't keep me in a cage and then give me an hour and a half long lunch break next to a beer fest and expect sobriety.
Today has been hell. Also I saw a dead man's penis. It's safe to say I will be getting very drunk tonight.
Randomize
