I had a fork in my beer hand and just stabbed my tongue.
P.S. theres no milk for breakfast, but theres plenty of beer or red wine. you decide.
i just farted in the library and heard some girl yell it was sulfur gas. can. not. move.
Its like everytime i see you, my vagina gets a heartbeat.
you can add "aspirated seaman" to the list of things your sister has been admitted to the hospital for
I let a naked juice spill down my leg for like 30 minutes bc i thought i was hallucinating that my leg was cold.
I have effectively turned laundry day into a drinking game.
The only thing I accomplished today was naming the bag of wine I've been drinking
This is a great bar, except you can't even randomly burst into song without them assuming you're drunk and cutting you off.
Maybe you need to change your pickup move. The "hey check these out" titty flash gets you the wrong kinda man.
I shouldn't be that hard, but i cant exactly put "a guy to tie me up and fuck me and then brush my hair" in my dating profile
oh and apparently my boobs are named "have no fear" and "plenty o'beer"
I also need to get my life together but instead I just eat spoonfuls of Nutella. We can't win 'em all
It's true. There would need to be A LOT of data collection. Aka, dick-catching. I volunteer as tribute.
Of course the sales lady was judging you, you bought a pregnancy test, ky jelly, diet pills and a 6 pack of red bull. Even i'm judging you.
Randomize
