My psychiatrist is "consulting" others. I am high-achieving nuts.
THEY SHOULD WARN YOU WHEN THEY MAKE JELLO SHOTS WITH JACK DANIELS!!! THEY SHOULD WARN YOU!!!!!!!
There needs to be a newsfeed for phones... A list of all my drunken calls, texts, BBMs, new contacts, pictures sent AND received, all in chronological order.
way to not show up for Habitat for Humanity, real classy...
I saved lives by not driving this morning
I can't. I can't get out. He cooked me food. And made me jager bombs. And painted a glow in the dark smilie face on my boobs
He could tell i had a fever by feeling my tits. He gets docter of the year.
so I was at the house for 3min to grab my bathing suit & tequila. You know, the go-to weekend combination
Have you asked your drug dealer if he wants to see harry potter with you?
It felt like Party Santa dropped by and gave us two more 18-packs.
I just shit a hot coal. Pretty sure it's that fireball shot from yesterday.
When one of my seniors asked "Rough night?" I realized my poor decisions involving Tuesday night drinking did not go unnoticed.
The number of mornings I actually have to say out loud to myself "you must put pants on and go to work" to get motivated is...troubling.
We need some Captain and Fanta. That shit will change your life. Sidenote, bring an IV drip to hook me to in the morning
Dude, some chick came over here earlier and thought my lube was hand sanitizer. She poured it all over her hands.
If my vagina was a person it would have a bandage around its head and it's arm in a sling rn
Randomize
