he promised me brunch in the morning so i felt like it was ok....i really need to get a job.
I bet there is no greater pleasure in life than pistol whipping people.
Anal.
im pretty sure one of the guys i was dancing with at graffiti wrote on my back "you rock". now feel like a danced with a 5 year old.
found the other keg... it's in the tree
I'd love to come and give you a massage, but we already duck taped my keys to the ceiling...
note to self: an IV pole is no substitute for a stripper pole. Written it on my ankle cast.
The nurse who handed me my discharge papers underlined and highlighted do not consume alcohol while on my painkiller its like she knows me.
I'm beginning to think the only reason I get laid anymore is girls are fantasizing sleeping with my dad...
Getting a vibrator would be like waving the white flag of surrender in this war against my vagina and its hormone army.
The cop let me finish my J before he cuffed me. Coolest arresting officer ever.
He sent me a meme at 3am. Usually guys just send me booty calls that late. I think I'm in love
we're at the bar celebrating my ex bootycall getting his new gf pregnant... and me narrowly escaping a future as kitty foreman
Why didn't we pregame for this?
Because it's breakfast!?!
He doesn't understand the concept of a strip club. He keeps falling in love
I just learned that the grill marks on a Burger King burger patty are actually previously burnt on there with a radioactive spray-on liquid and McDonald's french fries are actually 5% potato.
Randomize
