I'll pay for our taxi if you let me makeout with the drummer and we don't leave RIGHT when the bassist does.
hungover + watching bobsledding = i just puked
You should ask if we are margaritasing tomorrow. and yes i did just turn that into a verb
Just threw up in nordstroms while shopping for moms bday with dad. He distracted workers for me. No more tequila
So I love how we keep introducing our friends to sex toys. It's like pay it forward vibrator edition.
Quesedillas should not make me weep and drinking water should not make me feel like god is giving me mouth to mouth. Never again.
You kno how some people just need a "everything will be alright" pat on the back? I need an "everything will be alright" blowjob right now. Come over
I mean you would really have to try to not have fun at a party that doesn't require pants....
I guess she fell asleep at the strip club and the other one was crying because she had a vagina in her face. Happy 21st!
I received a sext from my girlfriend, and a deal for free chips and guacamole at chipotle at the same time. I have tasted heaven, and it is beautiful.
I'm literally in my bed still trying to find the energy to take my corset off so I can binge eat oreos
I have the liquor shits and this time, it's personal.
Come camping we have xanax and steaks
Okay so I've been talking to the mice again and they agree with me that you're a piece of shit.
Officially spring today. First sighting of loud-ass Steller Jay on the balcony.
Randomize
