I feel dirty and I went home alone. Bars should be like airlines and make fat girls pay double for everything.
Keeping my bail papers as a souvenir from when I was arrested. Too weird?
It's like trying to pry an octopus off you. Except the octopus speaks English and can get drunk.
He took out the lube and started calling it fuck fluid
Next time, showing us his dick should be his entry fee into your house.
Walking in to my alcoholic Assessment meeting with a black eye = 40% awkward 60% awesome
wtf are you talking about? You vomit-splattered the cop from the balcony. The cop YOU called because you drunk-dialed 911 because a 5 year old ate the last donut.
it was a krispy kreme
Doing Jager Bombs on a Sunday morning is justified...How else is my team going to win?
Even with having the shower running and music on everyone could hear the alcohol gods making me sacrifice my dignity and meals from the past week.
Because I can't get laid, I'm day-drinking and hunting squirrels in the backyard. You can take the girl out of Montana...
We got to his house at 7am and two random guys were on the couch shot gunning beers saying we were late for the party
I feel like a pizza delivery girl of vagina tho
I came in like 30 seconds, and my dog got to watch me take the walk of shame to the bathroom to clean up. All in all, not my best performance.
I may be asexual, but I owe you a solid from yesterday. I am a man of my word.
Why would you call when you knew I'd be having sex!?
Why would you answer?
Randomize
