Well the candle wax mightve been sexy if he didn't drop the candle and light half my bed on fire
No more parties with babies... I can't do that again.
found an unmarked box of photos in the garage, they were from when my parents first got together. It was fun laughing at their ridiculous eighties outfits and hairstyles, until I found a pic of my dad. naked. with a boner.
we got a new version of the plan b at the pharmacy now. its called next choice. you would think they would come up with better names for these things.
So... I just got back from the chiropractor... And he said I have a slight neck injury from head banging too much. Fuck yes.
Literally been drinking for 10 hours. Hammered. Roasted chestnuts fell out of my shirt earlier.
I dont think yelling "Grab your dicks, time for pics!" helped your case either.
she crawled under her car and passed out. Unfortunately her feet were sticking out and someone called 911 because they thought she had been run over.
Do I lose at life if I cry in a grocery store while buying a pregnancy test?
I think you just have to raise your bang age from 40 to 50, hope dust doesn't fly out and make her say tony danza
Snaps to my Ella Fitzgerald station for such a jazzy walk of shame
I told him I had the birth control implant in my arm and he looked me in the eyes, said "Science!" and came in me
i just found a lighter in my bra... from last night, and its 7:43pm...
Is this making any sense, because I’m puking and trying to be Philosophical right now
He asked me to describe my life outside work. I responded with "Home-wrecker.
Randomize
