You were wearing a sombrero. And a crown. And told me to use the nerf gun to protect your room from the cat. You don't have a cat.
There is no way when we get home that nothing will hapen
I wish there was a non-hangover washing machine that I could stick myself in right now
He kept referring to his penis a his "love gun"
Every time I hit my bowl my neighbors set off fireworks... I stop, they stop. I start again, they start again. Too high for this.
so, I mean this in the straightest way possible, but don't you ever just feel like you owe Jon Stewart a blowjob...
He was probably pissed, but i couldn't tell for sure. How pissed can someone really look while holding a fishbowl mimosa?
No I am not eating basil off your cock
I woke up exactly where I passed out... on top of him yet he somehow put his pants back on
Just got a blowjob from a coed in exchange for saving her an iPhone 5 when I get them in stock. Sometimes it's awesome to be a Verizon employee.
How is it that I've hooked up with not one but two guys in the children's section of a bookstore tonight?
Driving home this morning in my minion costume makes me rethink the 0 tint on my windows.
If I die tonight somebody's going to have to let all my tinder matches know.
You literally asked him, “Do you come here often? Do you want to visit my vagina?” With no hesitation
welp,tonight ive reached new levels. by new levels I mean,i showed some guys my boobs for water. on your tab.. the most pointless thing ive ever done. either we should hang out way more,or never again.
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