Wow, your whole life is a joke regardless of the fact that its april fools day
also, i may or may not be wearing a cape right now. hint: i am.
i feel like my eyelids need a kick stand.
there are too many children here to make this hangover-friendly
You can duct tape yourself to me so we dont lose you and you dont have to celebrate your birthday alone
Trying to figure out when's a good time to take acid and not tell anyone and see how long it takes people to notice
I just sat there and watched paula deen's face melt for an hour.
Thinking about adopting a 16 yr old here. Her name is Abby and she likes vodka. We've bonded. I need a sober driver n e ways...
Chicken strips. I got my nose broken because of Chicken strips.
also, add "teaching boys to sext" to my charity work
Currently trying to figure out if the guy has a cane next to me or brought a weird dildo to the bar
Speaking of boners I learned how to say " jizz everywhere" in sign language
We were drunk waiting for tacos and I gave him a handy in the back of the Uber while giving the driver relationship advice. I think I'm handling the whole grad school thing alright.
It was like sex on an active volcano surrounded by the night sky and bloodhounds. And by that I mean it was nice.
Fuck this pandemic. She grabbed the hand sanitizer instead of the hand lotion while giving me a hand job and now my dick is burning and scrotum are on fire
A hand job? Are you 12?
Randomize
