if i were reduced to my simplest elements, i would be jizz and glitter.
buying booze in bulk is always a bad idea. i wish there was some direct deposit-like system
nyquil sex gave me 6 orgasms so I support that
Woke up to a bouquet of flowers in my toilet bowl. Drunk hubby loves me.
i just remembered the time you guys tried to give me an intervention because i was drunk before 5 on a monday
The only funny part about this situation was this morning when they rounded up all the drunks in the ER, piled us into a minivan, then dropped us all off at our houses.
perfect. if all else fails remind him how anxious he is. talk real fast and induce a panic attack that only I can remedy with xanax.
I knew this night was headed for bad when I was drinking cherry bombs out of a sippy cup in the shower
I need drugs. Hard drugs. Today. Not tomorrow. Today. Something relaxing.
This is not 2004 anymore. It's not acceptable to get fingered while watching 'Ferngully' in a basement full of your friends.
Welp, I've officially cried in every Chipotle bathroom in the city. Correlation or causation?
I ran into a wall that clearly had things popping out. My eyebrow was bruised, both arms, the bottom of my foot. Lost half of my finger nail, my fake eyelash was stuck in my hair and I have about 47 blurry pictures of a half naked zombie DJ.
We used to bone, but now she's my life coach.
Drunk me commented on almost all of her pictures. My favorite one is titled "be as the sea". My comment is "cold, rough, large and letting anyone come inside you. you accomplished." Guessing I'm not invited to the party anymore.
This should be illegal
It is
I mean more illegal... I shouldn't have this
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