somehow in between the body shots the bong hits and trying to convince the 7-11 lady to let me fill up my vodka bottle with cherry slurpee. i misplaced my car.
my girlfriend just informed me I need to get tested and so do you
girlfriend?
just opened a can of spagetti o's with a butter knife. the things u will do for food when ur stoned.
you went around the entire night in your french maid costume dusting off the "cob webs" on everyone's crotch saying "you havent gotten any action in a while"
I was wondering why i got so many friend requests the next day...
He used my blackberry to make a voice recording of me orgasming, then set it as my ringtone while I was sleeping. I discovered this during a staff meeting this morning.
I don't like finding out that my fuck buddy is a good person.
I'm gonna make a mold of your dick so I can make popsicles
Anyhow, I am sorry for being obnoxious about wanting more sex and forcing you to eat lunchmeat off of my ginormous nipples. I knew that you weren't going to succumb to my pushy demands
I want to preface this by saying nothing happened, nothing is on fire. It is mere speculation. Do we have a fire extinguisher?
My mom just walked in and saw a picture of his penis. She then asked me "Do you even have a cervix left?!" I don't know what to feel anymore HA
Yeah well that's a good thing right? Like mothers approval? Kinda like a Fathers blessing but. . . better?
We tried to do sophisticated last night, but our low class kept shining through.
So my POF profile is full of Archer references. Only guys who get them will be getting any response to their messages.
You know it's really hard to draft fantasy football players in a crowded bar when I have a raging hard on
Burnt food and a broken vibrator. Disappointment after disappointment. Is April a man?
Yo i still have 5 hrs left of work. I should not be this drunk
Randomize
