saw him outside... he got fatter, i got blonder. the winner is obvious.
I looked at the bar tab this morning. The bartender added a $25 'customer asshole fee'. I have no grounds to dispute it.
new plan: i think the keg will fit in my purse.
See this is what happens when we don't have sex everyday
You can't call dibs 8 years later.
We are getting high tomorrow and being statues at the cafeteria. Come find us.
I feel a bullet train of disappointment headed in your direction.
What the fuck is wrong with your family? Why do you have unfrosted pop tarts.
I was just hoping for a dick worthy of his established age.
I just need to drink whiskey get off and eat some cheese. Why is that so fucking hard for god to deliver.
He's going to find out eventually, but really what's he going to do? Cry about it and buy another fucking kitten??
dont know if she was trying to start a lawnmower or jerk me off. still wasnt to bad though
I got really stoned and got my certification as an ordained minister. How productive has your day been?
it's like i'm your dad, but instead of reminding you to bring your lunch to school i remind you to take a good long hit from your bong.
I wish he’d realize all I want is dick. He’s my boytoy. He’s a stunt cock. \n\nCome over, fuck me silly, eat some leftovers, fuck me again, then go back to the frat house
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