The girls stopped by my apartment. They caught me naked with a nearly empty bottle of vodka in one hand, drawing crop circles in the carpet with the vacuum.
his penis is like a homeless cat. ever since I've satisfied him he keeps showing up on my doorstep ask for more.
grilled cheese. we just shotgunned grilled cheese.
Is there any way to un-invite somebody to a wedding? I just checked out the other family, and I can't have a cockblock there.
Wednesdays are like the thursdays of tuesdays... Drink time
I'm still seeing blue. who wrote on my bare nipple?
At the end of the night you handed the bartender a piece of paper with the word "VISA" written on it.
At the bar. Madeline and I totally brought our own pitcher from home because they always run out. Hello alcoholism.
An we can hold bottles of vodka in our hands singing yo ho a pirates life for me
Im calling you paparazzi cause of all the dick pics you take of your one night stands ps loved the panoramic one!
Well, I washed his beard with dish soap and then I fucked him three times.
It's like an adderall Houdini. Right when you think you have a deal he disappears
It bothers me when I see my old fuck buddies starting families on Facebook.
someone found a bottle of whiskey in the bushes this morning when they were cleaning before an admissions event. i'm 95% sure it's mine..
A guy in a chewbacca suit just came up to me and asked me to buy him weed.
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