2 bagels in my tummy and my herpes on my mind
I dated that bitch for 9 months and didnt get as much as a hand job. I met her sister last night for the first time and smashed that...twice
I respect that
Just dominated the men's bathroom at work. Sounded like the intro of a death metal song.
I swear a good massage is the easiest way in my pants.
Not that there's a hard way... but you know what I mean.
i just remebered that we smoked out my hamster yesterday...
i hope hes still alive. i just remember you give him a shit load of cereal and saying "trust me your going to need it"
I couldn't open my car door and for a second I thought they were taking me to an intervention circle.
I made a Wendy's employee say fuck this and quit because I started flipping out due to a baked potato shortage. Of course I had a good night
You ever just wake up and decide, today I'm going to eat a whole bag of fritos and a tub of cream cheese
I just threw up vodka and hot dogs in a handicapped stall with someone in it who couldn't make me leave because he couldn't walk.
Well get back to your date and give him the ceremonial 1am handy and text me when your done.
So I definitely tried to pay a cab with baseball tickets last night
We got stoned and took selfies with the most perfect lawn
how drunk are you?
Several
drunk boyfriend and drunk me are NOT meant for each other
I just shaved my legs via the sink as to not wake my parents up because I know I'll be having marathon sex tomorrow after my certification exam... so this is life after college.
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