At what point did I decide it would be a good idea to fill my contact case with vodka
I was 10 minutes late leaving for lunch today because I couldn't lose a boner. It is impossible to tuck it when your shirt is tucked in...gotta quit facebook stalking hot chicks at work
Turns out you're obligated under man law to share any passwords you may have for porno sites
Is that what they're teaching u at that bar review class?
whats wrong with me. i have a coffee mug of wine in the library and i'm doing homework
Someone sent me a drink from across the bar. It was water.
And she was like "I wanted you all for myself, to love you, and treat you like gold."... See this is why I shouldn't fuck Italian chicks...
Nothing like puking into an empty cooler at a red light on the way to get plan b.
I passed out with my wizard stick taped to my hands and got woken up being poked with a St. Bernard
you are like the bill nye of illicit activities
You don't marry someone you don't want to fuck senseless this is 2014 dammit
I found your missing hash cookies. Fuck you and I'm sorry but there are only 2 left. I already had the munchies.
Plus he is a pilot so I could give him flight dome
how soon in a friendship can you start calling them a motherfucker
Sometimes I just take my boobs out of my shirt so they can get some fresh air
What better than a girl who loves jager, sexts like a champ and is down for t-bell at any hours of the night? oh wait, NOTHING.
Randomize
