...there is blood under my fingernails.
...I hope my roomates are okay.
i just used burnetts to get spraypaint off the floor of my dorm lobby
Just pulled over to throw up in a day care parking lot while the kids were outside playing. The adults were mortified.
ill give you a picture of me naked for $5. im desperate.
and you wish you could be eating a cookie right now. but all you get to eat is a penis
We had to coat check the pizza.
Well the pizza delivery man was either startled or incredibly intrigued to see me skateboarding in the living room by myself at 1 in the morning in ripped pantyhose
I have words... I can't think of them tho. they keep melting together and forming you and I just want to hump it.
10/10 dentists agree that he is one bangable mother fucker. hint: i am all of these dentists.
I just put vodka in my apple sauce. Spice up your fucking life.
I mean. I'm excited for the Seahawks too. I just love nachos.
Apparently calling shotgun while getting put into a police car is frowned upon
I need to reevaluate my stance on weekday hangovers...
So I almost broadcasted the porn from my phone to the boardroom chrome cast
I need a rain check on breakfast. A frat boy said it was his dream to sleep with a MILF, I made his dream come true and he made me cum
There is no way I’m wasting 21 year old morning wood
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