dude, i woke up naked in her front yard...apparently i tried to leave in the middle of the night, forgot my clothes and decided,"oh heres a nice patch of grass to sleep on" I think god is up there laughing at me.
You thought that the "chillable" logo on the box wine was referring to a city in italy.
this is not okay. even my mom refers to me as a sorostitute.
I think "I actually like giving blow jobs better" qualifies her as a keeper
Well obviously when I get drunk my intelligence level surpasses yours and that's why you can't understand me.
you can only text me tonight if its in drake lyrics. thats the rule
should i save it for someone special or be a feminist and be like "my vagina doesnt define me"
I'm the only person who goes to break up a friends with benefits and comes out with a boyfriend
You are the best. Or certainly adequate for tempering my unholy desires.
That's the nicest thing you've ever said to me.
My friend came into the apartment in real handcuffs at 4 in the morning. She was laughing and running around and then proceeded out the door...
Drunk is not a location!
I had sex with a boy who lives in a closet, that's like having sex with Harry Potter, right?
and please, if you feel the urge to call me crying tomorrow night, do so. i will be home bored and sober.
What would I even say at the wedding? "Sorry that I still wouldn't sleep with you after four years of you trying...but hopefully my sister here isn't that stubborn" and give him an awkward pat on the back?
My trash can is full of used condoms and girl scout cookie boxes.
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