every time I hook up with him I think about the fact that penicillin was a mistake too... and look how well that turned out. It makes me feel just a little bit better.
there's something so ridiculous to me about watching someone with glasses exercising. it's like watching a whore studying in the library. stop trying to be someone you're not.
If you bang a chick other than your girlfriend while playing tiger woods on xbox I wonder if an accomplishment would come up...
Can I sleep on your couch? My wife just found my eHarmony account.
She made me cum so hard I couldn't hear for half an hour after
This is a dangerous game of "whose life is more pathetic".
there is a dorito bag in my car full of my mouth blood
He walks in. We each have a tiki torch. We say, the tribe has spoken. We put his out and then stab him with it.
Dunno why I keep hitting snooze. It's never gonna give me the kind of sleep I need to be sober.
What is she getting? Last time we talked her behavior was conducive to getting a tramp stamp on her face.
Would it be inappropriate to trade Christmas cookies for sex?
I don't know what part of my sober brain thought it was a good idea to get stoned when I can barely walk with crutches as it is, but that part is stupid.
YOU TRIED TO SWIM IN HER FISHTANK. I don't think she's going to call you.
I. Am. Not. Tattooing. My. Penis.
Yep. Just fucked a 34 year old on the football field where we both went to high school. That's a story for the grandkids.
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