Question: does he have any sense of self image? He looks slightly like he crawled out of the Euphrates after living as a fish for 20 years
How was your sisters wedding?
Oh, I didn't go. I slept through my alarm. I finally woke up and was like...I don't think so.
sisterhood ftl.
Living right is spending a lot of time in someone's ass
We made a drinking game out of poaching eggs. When did our life turn into a really awesome version of Top Chef?
gross. I think i'll just donate all my eggs. My children will be incredible, but they're not welcome in my womb
they just named my boobs. Lefty is "Guenevere" and Righty is "I claim this boob for America"
you told the cab driver to stop being such a pussy because he wouldn't let you shotgun a beer in the backseat
i tried to climb in the window in the limo because i wanted the driver to take me to get noodles. ive reached a new level of fat kid
What is this nonsense on the table
Your idea.
I mean the hole taco that was chewed up and spit out
Building a door into the garage so when I bring girls home my mom doesn't wake up.
Pathetic yet considerate
My vagina was just really confused why you weren't inside it
Momentum is force x velocity. So therefore velocity is 0 - hammered, and force is ur legs locked up and ur face hits the ground.
I felt paralized they just wouldnt move. We need segways when were drunk cuz if we start to fall forward they well take off and save the fall.
I love how my parents bring water bottles filled with vodka on family trips
Gotta love college... Pregamed for my 8:30 flight home this morning and gave the flight attendants all high fives when I got on the plane. Best ride of my life.
The police officer that arrested me Friday night just bought me a shot
Randomize
