I just counted my steps so I know when you start looking for you on my way back from the bathroom
You know how us drunks love counting steps
why dont you just whore around college until someone loves you...thats how it works for girls isnt it?
Can you put "designated driver" on a resume?
So they discontinued the hummer... Now people will have to go door to door to let others know they're assholes
Using a Nedi Pot after doing lines... at least I'm a health conscious drug user?
Until last night, I had never actually thrown up ON a sandwich
Having a race with the dryer. Seeing who can get drunk/dry clothes faster.
She made me take my shoes off outside her room but she didn't make me wear a condom. I am confused.
Either I just got hit on by a 10 year old.girl dressed like a boy or I just got hit on by a midget lesbian. Either way I feel uncomfortable
My kids are NEVER playing in the park more than 2 feet away from me until they are capable of punching an eagle.
I was afraid someone would drug test my pants so you set them on fire.
His ex-girlfriend just gave his current girlfriend the heimlach omg omg omg help this is so awkward
What the hell man, you basically stole my girlfriend with a bucket of KFC.
She made me undress her with my teeth...explains the button in my shit this morning...
Dude, you need to come and get her. She's sitting on the bathroom floor making hearts with her menstrual blood. And remind me never to let her do jello shots again
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