so we were pounding it out and someone knocked on the wall and was shouting at us
that didnt stop you
nope
It's like the Sean Connery of vaginas. You don't mess with it.
you are getting stockholm syndrome from your pubes
i was holding a cup in her face for her to throw up in while screaming THIS IS THE DEFINITION OF FRIENDSHIP
Dude I live in a fucking closet and still get laid every weekend. Figure it out.
Shit, my parents are coming over and I just realized that a grinder is not an acceptable paperweight
Mom looked at me, frowned, and said "it makes me sad to see you drink before noon.." So i told her if she doesn't like it she needs to stop waking me up before noon.
I have 7 papers to write and I already bought gas station ice cream in my pjs and questioned whether or not a beer float was a thing.
Out of curiosity, do you feel happiness for you, or sadness for ME, that you are the only one I drunk text?
Someone has big plans this weekend. Just went to throw away the trash and saw packaging for 3 different vibrators on the top of the stack
When she saw "buy condoms" on my to do list she figured out pretty quick we were breaking up.
In other news, the one guy I DIDN'T have sex with in High School is now famous.
Who wakes up at 9 and says "let me send a pic of my dick to my ex gf"
I got so drunk I thought my tennis court was a corn field so I laid in it and ate pizza
R.I.P my virginity. TOD 12:37pm
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