All I know is that if italians start TIME TRAVELLING were all in a lot of trouble paizon
then she made me sanitize my hands before fingering her...i may have found my soulmate
Just rolled over and found your boyfriend in bed with me. Is mine at your house?
And by "got a tattoo" i mean i got a tattoo in the dorm bathrooms with a guy using his cousin's tattoo gun.
You probably don't remember this but last night I bought you a lap dance from a stripper that had nipples that looked like runny eggs....you're welcome.
Should I take my grandma to a keg tomorrow or not? Serious question
drunk grocery shopping was not as bad of an idea as i thought, this salmon cat food tastes a lot like tuna
I can't believe you big bird do not remember battling a shark last night it turned into a Pokemon battle and big bird over powered the shark
Do you remember doing synchronized hip thrusts to Michael Jackson? Probably one of my favorite parts of the night
This is a mass text to all my friends. Whoever gets this first, please find me and confiscate my phone immediately. I am far too high to have it. Even if you have to punch me in my face to get it. Otherwise, let the "High While Analyzing Disney Movies" texts begin.
I don't know whether to laugh it off or be pissed at him..I got pulled over this morning leaving his place and the officer thought my hickeys were hand prints around my neck and asked if I needed to be escorted out of town.
I told him I was ready for another round and he said, "after this part." What guy chooses James Bond over pussy?!
I went home with him again and he LEFT HIS OWN HOUSE at 2 in the morning while I was IN THE BATHROOM.
Of course you try to burn the house down on the one night we take down the smoke alarm so we can use the fog machine more
Come to my place after work and we can discuss our finances over a coors delight and a fire ball shot
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