I had a dream that chipotle was out of burritos... Was more like a nightmare.. Gotta go make sure it wasn't real now
I remember saying "sorry" to the blunt before throwing it out the window
How many times can I tell him I wasnt expecting sex before he realizes I'm just too lazy to shave all the time?
you took my bottle from me saying i was unprepared for its magical qualities. then you buckled it in the backseat.
I have been way too involved with your nipples this weekend
Apparently blowing a .28 for a cop and then kissing her on the mouth is technically assaulting a police officer. Who knew.
Driving by his house every hour is not stalking, it's a reconnaissance mission... How else can I confront him
Just cleaned someone else's sperm off of my bedroom wall. Never throwing a house party again.
you kept saying "i will not *breathe* regret this *breathe* in the morning *breathe* i just gotta remember *breathe* to BREATHE"
I say I hate my boss but I find myself jerking off to him more and more with each passing day
He dated a girl who could do the damn splits on his dick like how do you compete with that
Im so hungover I just threw up at the sight of a CARTOON CRABBY PATTY
I think my fortune cookie is telling me I give good blowjobs.
Not sure if buying Twisted Teas for the alcoholics posted up outside the gas station counts as paying it forward but I am optimistic.
What, so now you are his nutritionist and his fuck buddy?
Randomize
