Is it wrong to scream your own name when about to bust?
I got three cases. When they asked for id I said it was suspended for drunk driving.
Go on vacation with her and forget to pack pants. I did that once and it worked like a charm.
My mom got me high and then dropped me off at a church.
I've abandoned trying to find a logical explanation of your life.
As your attorney I advise you to rage rapidly
I need a costume
Dude just wear a bra or something hahaha
I'm warming McDonald's pies on my heater cause I'm too high for the microwave.
To be honest, waking up to 20 naked people in my house was not the weirdest thing to happen to me in the past 24 hours
I forgot about snapchatting a pic of us, but I remember flossing with your hair.
mid-october of freshman year. goals have shifted from "no more guys on my floor" to "all the guys on my floor."
He licked the buffalo sauce off my fingers and then we had the best sex of my life.
None of these texts make sense. except for "step 2.5 equals velociraptor." that i get.
K. The dog and I are outside. The Uber driver said "I hope he fucks the shit out of you"
Sitting across the table from one of my high school teachers who hasn't seen me since I was about 16 drinking a beer wearing a leotard
I'm legitimately the first person in the United States to successfully shave their balls with a Razer Blade of a sword and fully admitt it. I'm honestly smoother then a 10 year old.
Randomize
