Who would have guessed that ordering a vodka lemonade at Roscoe's was code for I want a hand job
The pickup line "You look exactly like my sister" would only work in Arkansas...SCORE!!
she just refered to her hymen as "the mrs"
it would be nice to just get drunk, not hook up with anyone, and not die this weekend
I'm sorry I put you in the washing machine. I honestly thought you would fit.
We were on the balcony tossing jello shots to people passing below
When people said no i'd yell "i tried them i promise they aren't roofied!"
She was throwing my stuff away and then before I knew it she was sucking my dick. It was like some fucked up sour patch kids commercial
Don't feel sorry for me. I'm getting Red Lobster and sex tonight. Nothing can bring me too far down.
A part of me realizes this is a bad time to text. But I override it with my awesomeness
Oh! You were the one walking around cradling the bottle of Fireball all night!
Forced to cancel my booty call due to the snowpocalypse. This crosses the line.
He had a cruise ship of a dick and I need to set sail on that ocean again
A German guy asked me to take a bath with him. I can't tell if he's just an eccentric European or a run of the mill creep.
Also I’m on 3%. Just Incase.. I miss you and I love you and you’re my everything and I’m getting drunk.
I CAN SEE SO MANY PENISES. There are so many visible penises here.
Where are you???
Yoga class :(
Randomize
