He wants to make love to me in a sea of paint and wash my tears away with the brushes surrounding us..I've known him for 2 days.
We found her naked passed out on the bathroom floor. She didn't even make it to the shower. She was clutching the bathroom rug.
I'm having horrible flashbacks of being groped by Pauly Shore.
We were trying to sober you with hotdog buns but you refused put half of it in your bra and said you'd save it for later
screw jello shots the kids from the culinary school made pudding shots with 4 loko.
Best part of having a window in your office is that you can leave through it when you shit your pants at work.
Okay do all 29 year olds have erectile dysfunction or just the two I've slept with?
Note to self: don't tell your girlfriends dad you can have his daughter in bed by ten and home by midnight. He doesnt find it funny
I should've been more social I guess. I feel bad not meeting the people who willingly sucked alcohol out of my navel...
You know in a few years she's gonna look like her mom. So if you're gonna hit that you better do it while she still looks like somebody else.
Had a burrito last night in your honor
That's the nicest thing you've ever done
I don't know if dry shampoo will fix the decisions we made last night.
Oh yeah, you are a real peach except for shitting uncontrollably and bleeding out of your face.
This couple is walking their pig around campus
HILY FUCK HES HERE I HAVE MONISTAT IN ME HE SUPRISED ME
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