what time did you get home last night?
SO late...when your in the lap of a 35 year old superstar you loose track of time
He said to me " i could be your father but i dont care"...it was so hott
this guy showed up at my house asking for his sword and cape. something tells me i shouldn't drink that much again.
Just think, the more you drink, the more options you'll have of people you want to hook up with.
you puked in the cab and all over yourself and tried to convince the cabby it was there already when he got upset... then you puked again. not too convincing are you
Just got a message from a guy on a dating site who says he helped me remove lime pulp from my eye in a club toilet 2 weeks ago.
i know this sounds kinda weird but his cock smelled like fabric softener. it was so refreshing.
Apparently as I was doing the walk of shame home my dad's date was on her way to hers. hoes come in all ages these days
Things got outta hand once she told me to water-board her with Patron.
Word of advice, don't put your jar if peanut butter in the microwave, blue fire comes out
We are in Florida for 3 days. The people in charge of shit brought: a waffle maker, a cheese grater and a SEWING MACHINE
AND NO VODKA
I'm going as your incestuous sister. If thats not the perfect winglady I don't know what is.
I FINALLY GET TO MASTURBATE. SO EXCITED.
I was intimate with him for twenty minutes and will be intimate with shame for twenty years.
Yeah, I got home from work at like 9:30, and he was passed out on the couch wearing only a tee shirt and The Jurassic Park theme on repeat.
I've spent so much time on tinder lately I just tried to left swipe an instagram photo of my neighbor
Randomize
