There's trophy wives that arent even in the 5th grade yet
guys are only as good as the porn they watch
i'm using a wine bottle as a spitter. how classy is that.
everyone who works at gamestop is basically destined to live with their parents for the rest of their lives... so i said no.
You know those ponds where you go and pay $5 and your guarranteed to catch a fish thats how i describe her
If I had a clone, I'd fuck it with a condom
in hindsight, $10 Malibu buckets were a terrible idea...
It's 9:30am and I've already blown three loads. Reason #101 I love 25 year old girls.
I walked into the bathroom of the hotel and she's in the bath tub with a guy she met a day ago. They were sharing a shrimp cocktail platter and shot gunning bud lights. Oh and it was noon.
Would giving a bouquet of flowers to my mother be a good way to say, "sorry you walked in on my boyfriend eating me out"?
Just had hot animal sex with the guy who had been sending me 10 second selfie snapchats for the past month
I told him about the time I blacked out and shit myself and he still wanted to have sex with me that night. Feeling pretty optimistic about where this fling is going.
I can now recognize that when my wine bottle reaches a certain point, I probably shouldn't tweet, text or call anyone. RESPONSIBILITY
His Instagram is like a gay porn blog all of the sudden got conquered by the Mormon missionary that he is
he's like crack. I can't be in the same room with him while drunk and not do him.
Randomize
