No. I broke it. Note to self, never take a shower with your phone in your pocket.
i opened her purse and found 4 bottles of vodka tampons and an unopened box of birth control...
Apparently I ran up to the group of cookie-cutter blonde chicks and screamed "Delta Gamma Nuuuuuuu!" really excitedly and tried to hug them and share fake sorority stories with them.
Friends dont let friends get hit with a flaming baton without warning
he convinced me that i wont have to do the walk of shame bc he has to go to jail in the morning
I'm sober enough to question why I have your name as "the wolverine" in my phone.
She's laying here with her head in my lap stoned, eating Doritos, whining about her boyfriend, and listening to Cher. Fuck the friend zone.
It looks like a tornado ripped through our living room and scattered clothes everywhere.
Count the bras. It was a category 3 whorenado ... I convinced the lesbians to come back to the apartment for a bottle of wine.
exactly. I want him to have to live with the fact that he fucked me. I want him to look me in the eye and say "you were a drunken mistake".
I just woke up tangled in fishing line while wearing someone else's bathing suit with fishes drawn all over me. What kind of sex did we have?
Wow i don't think I've had to send this many texts apologizing for my behavior since high school...
Is it morally wrong to give today's hookup a Krispy Kreme from yesterday's hookup or is it just fat love?
i just found a red feather stuck to my penis and i really wanted to send you a picture but too much
MEAN GIRLS IS ON NETFLIX! I REPEAT, MEAN GIRLS IS ON NETFLIX! THIS IS NOT A DRILL! I LITERALLY NOW HAVE TO CANCEL ALL OF MY WEEKEND PLANS.
This dude is trying to sext and all I can think about is taco bell and their new crunch wrap sliders
Randomize
