had no condoms so I just made do with an empty doritos bag.
I just walked into his bathroom to see two poops floating... no toilet paper. WTF!?
I'm watching the red sox through my neighbors window from my bathroom. We're winning btw.
I just decorated my birth control case with Lisa Frank stickers. If that doesn't scream 'I'm not ready for babies' I don't know what does.
Just went through ex bf's and hook up buddys and liked pictures of them on facebook. A friendly reminder that I will be back in for the holidays
he asked me to lick his asshole and I told him his girlfriend could do that for him
Naw, the sex dungeon had to come down so we could build a nursery. Cause and effect really.
I was looking threw the photos on my phone. There is 8 different ones of us peeing on things.
The bend and snap? 98% success rate of getting attention. When used appropriately, it has an 83% rate of return on a dinner invitation.
Just used an eyelash curler to open my beer since I didn't have a bottle opener. Things are starting to look up.
you know that moment when all the alcohol kicks in and suddenly you realize the bar is very loud and you just want to bite someone sexy and ride their face i am kinda at that moment
I'm not snubbing your weed I just had a really important rack of ribs to get home to
I tried to help you up but you said "let me dance it off"
No he doesn’t answer my texts except for like on New Year’s Because like I was fucked up on New Year’s and he said happy new year and I told him the same and I called him dragonslayer and you can’t really recover from that
That awkward moment when you bring a guy back to your place then have to tell him you only have magnums.
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