Don't be scared. It'll feel very good. And you'll be clean afterwards. I'm growling right now.
I successfully cooked a taquito with a lighter! My stomach hurts now tho.. im either guna blame it on the undercooked taquito or im feeling guily about porkin my brothers gf a lil bit ago
This titty bar has wifi. I just did FaceTime stage side
Cracked my iPhone screen. Real bad. Girl from last night isn't ugly yet. Stop me if you still think she belongs under a bridge. You have 12 seconds.
I've heard awesome things about their margaritas. I also may buy a mustache from party city. Would you do me with a mustache on??! Hahahaha. But, really.
i tied my phone to a string attached to my bra. i am NOT losing it tonight
I want to be your penis for a week.
I will forever remember this as The Great Jalepeno Cock Burn of 2014.
Have you ever been so high that you felt like corduroy? I'm at that level.
The dominatrix coworker is currently listening to pop music that has been translated into an Irish dialect and sung by high school kids. Every day gets weirder here.
Sarah was butt-chugging wine and diarrhea'd all over the wall
she grabed my junk and started making lightsaber noises
I wonder if you could get her in a metal bikini
I just convinced a telemarketer I live in a tree.
What did he say?
He still asked if I want a home security system.
If I lock her out of the apartment right now would the neighbors have grounds to sue?
That’s all I need in life: vibrators, butt plugs, strawberry lube, and sour gummies
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