My roommate was eating ketchup out of a bowl. Get me the hell out of here.
saturday- my day is open, my legs are not. you in?
well apparently not.
This whole foot fetish thing is getting out of control. He would rather hold my feet than me after we fuck.
dad just smoked me out. he's yelling at room service for not giving him cookies and milk with his towels...we're both too high to know if thats a legit complaint.
I mean this holiday was built on cheap beer, shitty whisky, and processed meat... and I fully plan to honor that
I stumbled into my living room at 4 a.m. to find him hurling my laptop across the room and his pants around his ankles. Clearly his night didn't go as planned.
I banged her roommate when she was gone. She came back with a chicken sandwich and a bj. Then she said " smells like my roommates vagina" I think I can get a threesome tonight
I rode on his Vespa around Florence and fucked him in an empty train. It was like a way sluttier version of Lizzy McGuire
why the fuck are my pubes caked with bread crumbs?
idk. I was on the deck with Dominic and i felt something weird on my arm. I looked down and you were licking my elbow.
He's an acquired taste, like S&M or those crunchy things they put in salads
Croutons?
You are the funniest drunk Jew I know. Never in my life have I witnessed someone respond, "Is your dick kosher?" while being picked-up on.
Desperation looks like a $1 bottle of vodka and warm Cuban tap water.
Oh man I wish I could've gotten a picture of how many anti-circumcision stickers are on this Prius
He was a foot taller than me and my hands were bigger than his, it's called Pity head
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