Last night I got a napkin with 4 names & numbers: Katie, Ellen, Kylie...and Brandon.
Word to the wise: do not smoke before going grocery shopping with only 12 bucks. So stressful.
This soccer player girl is eating this banana WAY to slow. Too early for penis shaped foods.
I'm using process of elimination to determine which of our neighbors i fucked last night.
Fran... I put my tongue in somebody's gage hole last night.
Bro... You handed me an ice cube from your drink and said "tell me if it tastes like pickles".
I think having a vagina should be considered a skill, give me a break.
Do I like my job? I just bought 1/2 oz of pot from my supervisor at work. At a discount. And he said, "pay me whenever."
Serious question: does drunken cyber sex with a stranger on omegle count as cheating???
Well I didn't know she was a dominatrix...so I kind of just went with it
Kick open the door, strike a pose, steal a boyfriend, end scene.
Dude I think the cat just licked the coke plate
Slap a cop in the butt for a felony charge. Check.
I think I had Hypothermia but was too drunk to notice.
All our friends are getting married, and I'm the dateless guy bringing molly to their weddings.
Randomize
