Let me tell you a story about the rise and fall of my self esteem
just scratched off #34 on my list of things to do before age 30 - drunk in a helicopter.
She said my dick tasted like a junior mint. Ive decided im using this soap the rest of my life
I had to step in when you tried to make it rain baking powder on my sister
Just got a blowjob on the pier where my great-grandfather entered America.
Just did coke off of a cross necklace and am headed to the strip club. Happy Easter!
It was a perpetual wrestle for who got to be on bottom. Laziest hookup ever.
The rest of the concert I just stared at the lights and didn't really listen to the music cuz I was trying to make sure my brain still worked cuz my face was numb and I couldn't move... Yeah I'm not a weed brownie person
We're all just looking at each other quietly, hoping that no one brings up last nights shenanigans.
you slapped the bag of goldfish out of her hands and screamed, "BITCH THIS AINT NO AQUARIUM". That's how fucked up
If I wear a tail on Halloween, how am I supposed to grind? Maybe I will just wear devil horns
i feel like when you brought up the possibility of you getting pregnant the sexting is over
Made him watch 4 hours of HGTV then told him I was too tired for sex.
Savage
Is it rude to say "I hate you because you live inside Hillary Clinton's asshole"?
I was doing handstands in the jail cell and crying “IM A HIGH SCHOOL TEACHER AND IT’S CHRISTMAS EEEEEVE”
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