i puked out the bus window last night on the way home. i remember it, but i don't remember everyone else screaming to put their windows up.
what's for breakfast?
Advil and throwup
No mine's bigger. It just looks smaller because I'm drunk
I just cleaned your Jaeger vomit off my car with a knife. Don't ever say I don't love you.
Her vagina turned into a vuvuzela. I didn't know it was a possible to have a wet nightmare.
Any parent would be proud to have a daughter that's a blowjob fairy
please don't go to jail. I'd hate to have to call the montgomery county jail every time I need sex advice
There was a stripper pole on the party bus. Was being past tense because some fat chick somehow tore it from the ceiling while grinding
I just woke up to three voicemails from you. In the first one you just straight laughed for 3 minutes. In the second you did bird calls. In the third you were hysterically crying. Have fun last night?
I swallowed for you. Answer the phone.
It's just my hair. It brings natural happiness. Like goldfish, big boobs, and milkshakes.
there is vodka in my soul right now. The vapor is coming out my nose.
Also I just learned you, Samantha, and I three-way made out at my Halloween party. News to me.
Yeah I mean once a gun is being waved around, its probably a good time to leave the party
But the music was sooo good
Now that it's fall I have to prepare for the imminent arrival of ripped up sweatpants shoved into folded over sequined uggs
Randomize
