My dad just came home, said hi to mom and me in the kitchen, and then said "I'm gonna go inject my blood with iguana saliva".
he sent me a winky sad face. i cannot deal this level of pathetically needy flirtatiousness.
I ate the snowman's head. That is not a drug euphemism.
It's 10AM, she's drunk blaring veggie tales and I have a paper to write you've got to be fucking kidding me
She fell asleep with me.... We found her pantsless in the dogbed in the morning... Russian foreign exchange students
I'd just like to say before I start drinking tonight that not only do I not find you attractive; I don't want to hook up with you, suck your dick, be your "suga mama" or have your babies. Please disregard any texts, phone calls or voicemails that say otherwise..
I call BS on that! THAT WAS TOTALLY AN INTERCEPTION. JENNINGS HAD THAT.
PEOPLE ARE FLIPPING FURNITURE HERE. IN THE ROOM ABOVE ME. I HEARD SOMEONE WOOKIE CALL IN ANGER FROM SOMEWHERE IN THIS BUILDING.
I'd be lying if I said I wasn't scared, even a little.
I had so much drainage I couldn't moan properly. Fuck allergy season
Do you think if I tell the hot Santa at work that I want a sugar daddy for Christmas that he'll get the hint?
My body is like , remember when you wouldn't let me puke last night? Good luck at work fucker.
My mom is currently out with her lesbian friends and I'm home alone drunk listening to the Les Miserables soundtrack. WHY DO I FEEL THE NEED TO COMPETE WITH HER?
I've got to stop fucking tourists. If Chicagos piazza is anything like their dicks. I'm moving.
Do I need to call and sing lullabies? Because that's creepy, but I'm a really good friend.
Dude I love you. So much. Thank u. I'm safea. In allysi lns car. Mine towed. If u loved me ud leand me 500 in the morning. Sleep on it nd let me know.
Well I just masturbated while reading a recipe for Alfredo sauce so I guess you could say I’m growing up
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