whoa...plan B gets you drunker quicker.
is it bad if my mug shot looks better than my profile picture?
GUESS WHAT I JUST LICKED
I feel like half our conversations start this way.
once you get past the part where you think youre gonna die, its the most amazing drug ive ever experienced.
I just did a sobriety test in a tutu.
I woke up in a trash can. Please dude. I don't know what I did to you last night, but I'm sorry. Epically sorry. Please call me back. Please.
Robert just walked in drunk, grabbed my Jameson from me, told me to let him do his thing, and spilled it all over the coffee table. Then he told me to grab a funnel because he was going home.
I just farted and its sounded like it was disappointed in me.
how do you expect me to pass the time when I'm too old to be jailbait but too young to legally drink
I have a spatula mark on my ass. He spanked me with a spatula. Take that Rachel Ray.
Gonna be hard to top last New Year's Eve when the guy I blew came at midnight
I'm studying. And by studying I mean I am laying on my floor drinking boones farm alone. Last two weeks. Fuck it.
You spent like 10 minutes trying to hit a golf ball that was actually a cigarette butt. And then fell over.
When did i become the Rickety Cricket of my own life?
2 weeks shy of 25 and all I’m wishing for is a secret admirer who pulls my trash cans to the curb Wednesday morning for me because I always forget to Tuesday’s nights thanks to it being dollar draft night at the local bar
Randomize
