it was a mass text i'm sorry
do you usually send 'hey sexy' as a mass text?
Are you kidding me. My sex life has diminshed to having wet dreams about jerking off.
i keep forgetting that not all of my female friends are bisexual.
I am not one to point fingers but since it says your name "wuz here" next to the dick drawn on my stomach I am holding you personally responsible.
i will see naked twins by the end of the night. that's all i know
Had a drag queen carry me to the car. So I'm told...
Anything that comes outta your cooch is bound to be breathtaking
That could use a little rephrasing
The best revenge is living well. Or pooping in his sunroof. Either or
Guess what I'm doing tonight? Tacos and strip chess.
Totally clawed myself in the face during sex. I can die happy?
I just drove by a stop sign that had a used maxi pad stuck to it WHAT THE FUCK
do you ever look at a card in your wallet and reminisce about all of the drugs youve done with it?
Vodka, MiraLAX and Gatorade are perfect for the night before a colonoscopy
You can only use the "she handcuffed me naked to your bed, i couldn't do anything, sorry bro" excuse once.
You have a tempurpedic. you only have you to blame.
My life is far to together for someone who's such a hot mess inside
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