He could be your dad!
We discussed that right before he asked for my number
I feel like if I were on Intervention, I would have to be a season finale.
I just had a cup of orange juice and thought it didnt taste right. It didnt have vodka in it.
he walked out as i was licking snow off of his car...
I can't even use my hands i'm so hungover
Well I pulled a muscle in my leg dancing in the tanning booth drunk at 1 pm soooo there's that
If I EVER wake up with two black eyes again you better come up with a better story than trying to see how many punches I could take.
Ok I'm good with that cause I'm gonna disappear for 90 days
Are you goin to rehab again?
I am going to ride along with a cop tonight so please don't get arrested because that would be super awkward for me.
I'm out of town so we should be golden.
I'm going on a new diet. It's called the "eat healthy otherwise boys won't want to have sex with your fat ass" diet. Wish me luck.
Oh wow. I almost tweeted #TweetFromTheBackOfACopCarTuesday but I didn't think it was that appropriate
Whenever I'm hungover I try to stay in public as much as possible, hoping to be a cautionary tale to children. It's a public service, really.
Well his dad is my dentist so they've both been in my mouth.
I think if my mom ever finds out about my nipple piercings I'll just be like "mom, tbh it's a sex thing"
Just used the handle end of a spatula to get the baggie of coke wedged between my passenger seat. Innovation points?
Randomize
