i met him on craigslist. and no i'm not a hooker.
He came on my chest. Sat back and said "hey it sorta looks like lake michigan!" kill me now...
Well someone has to be the Christmas slut at the family dinner. I suppose it's my year to fill those shoes.
It's not that drunk me is smarter; it's that sober me is secretly playing for the other team.
Yea it's a sex scar. But if anyone asks I tripped up carpeted stairs
You tried to put a condom on my dog, then he ate it.
No exaggeration. At the gas station she handed me the mop from over the counter and told me that's my last drink of the night
Yeah. Let's save our goodbyes for when I'm obnoxiously and embarrassingly drunk and more than likely naked.
Everything was going well until he very loudly said that he wanted to cum on my fingernails.
My sex life reached a new low tonight: we stopped into this bar so I could pee and when I got out of the bathroom my parents had ordered a round for us and this traveling nurse they met and were trying to run game for me. Saddest part? She was actually going for it.
Did I tell you he put a lobster carcass on his dick?
I had to carry him up the hill while he was wearing nothing but knee high socks and a blue glitter sequin leotard.
Why is this not a picture message?
I smell like Dick and happiness
The day will come again young grasshopper. For now you must complete your training of patience and tongue biting
His mom knocked on the door during morning sex because we were being too loud...now i have to meet her for the first time
Randomize
