I keep telling girls I work at the carnival and then guessing their weights. I'm pretty sure I'm about to get kicked out.
I've lost all respect for marriage since I joined this bachelor party.
you put your hands over the taxi driver's eyes and shouted GUESS THE WAY TO THE CLUB
He broke the bed, AND shit in the closet. What a way to lose his virginity. What a night.
I'm high. Everything has a 45° angle. That is as far as my eyes open
I'll have you know my trust issues and my daddy issues are two COMPLETELY different topics of conversation.
Also, just woke up in a Romney tank and sequin flag panties. Merica.
Well, maybe we can talk about it over a drink and some crushed up vicodin.
I'm pretty sure that I drunkenly used the phrase "I just want his beard all over my body" way too many times last night.
I almost tased myself
I dont think you should own that device.
It's an awesome device. I love this device.
The landlord wasn't even off the porch yet and she was packing a bowl, I can't imagine a better best friend
I think the highlight of my night is when I was eating a mayonnaise sandwich. drunk me was on point.
“before I show up tits a blazing, what’s the sexual temperature here?“
I'm currently hiding from this horrific thing that we call adulthood. If anyone needs me, I'll be smoking a bowl in the bouncy house.
I woke up to him watching me sleep and after I told him it was over he asked if we were still on for Vegas next weekend
Randomize
