so I woke up and found tortilla in my belly button
found the other keg... it's in the tree
Is it weird that I found myself thinking of that blue chick from Avatar while she gave me head after the movie?
just had amazing sex with a girl I got caught with in second grade playing doctor. her examination is finallllly over
he has a knack for choosing the worst time to masturbate
Just sneezed out a half gram of coke into a tissue. Four hours after the fact. The bender continues.
Going to an AA meeting just so I can fuck him...That's dedication
i was in burrito mode and too drunk to move. no fucks were given. none.
Highlight of my night: you taking that shot of garlic butter and then throwing the empty container down on the stairs and saying FUCK.
Dropping acid was like seeing the whole world as a blank canvas to imagine anything I wanted.
And apparently all you wanted was to watch the sun explode and me take 60,000 dicks to the face.
It's gay softball weekend. Lots of hot gay strangers to go home with.
i think i just asked a donut if it was ok
I feel like I purchased a one way ticket to hell last night and its non refundable.
If I told the doordash driver it's national nudity day, think he'd still report me for being topless at the door?
Breakfast sounds amazing but can we do IHOP instead? I have to pick up a Plan B pill and there’s a CVS next to it
Randomize
